God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
40s are totally the cure
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
