I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
