This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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