In America we eat man semen.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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