My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
