I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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