So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
