The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
