I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
