her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
