Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
