My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
