I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
