There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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