Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
