And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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