can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
