I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
