Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
