Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
