i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
