My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
