Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
