You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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