You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
