We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I will be naked everywhere
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
