he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
