He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
