dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
