If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just want nice things and good sex
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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