garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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