Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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