her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
