I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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