Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
