Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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