She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Randomize
