Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
