wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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