I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
