my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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