Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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