I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
