please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
