I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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