at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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