Moan for me like Helen Keller
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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