the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
