dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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