i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
