Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
