i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
